Sometimes, self-care is smoking a spliff with your titties out

​I haven't posted in my feed about smoking in SEVEN MONTHS and I have barely mentioned it in stories since then.

I was struggling with it for a really long time. (You may have noticed, for yeeaaarrs now I've been talking about going sober and quitting smoking.) ​Struggling with self-imposed judgements, struggling with who I want to be.

I didn't smoke for 70 days between October and December (2019). I had a little dream that I'd pop online mid-January and boast about my "90 days of sobriety." Hell, I dreamt of all the people I'd tell a year from now AND I also told a helluva lot of very close people in my life, (through tears, even!) because I had an internal battle and I wanted to be held accountable.

BUT turns out labels really don't resonate with my soul.

I might have been sent here to denounce them and just help us all learn how to accept ourselves fully (self-worth) and tune into our innate needs (intuition). I had an amazing conversation with one of my spiritual mentors (Jeni Dahn) who said she could hear my soul cackling over these things I say "I will never do again." When she told me that, I let out a big cackle and could feel in my body the truth of her words.

Yup, definitely still working through it all over here, feeling mega empowered and liberated by all these realizations that have been coming through lately!

​Here's what else I've been uncovering:

​1. FUCK LABELS
​(All of them, really, but I'm deconstructing one in particular right now)

​I am removing the label of addict that was placed on me at birth due to the alcoholism in my family and I am exploring what being a conscious consumer means to me. Choosing to not identify with the term addict has been a huge weight off my shoulders, another one of those weights I didn't even know was there!!

​**please note this comes after many years of diving into this self-care lifestyle and I am at a place where I very deeply trust myself. Addiction is very real and looks different for everyone. If you need help, do not stop until you find the help that works for you! If needed, try the National Drug Hotline for assistance/advice.

2. I read some quote recently about how it's such a shame that the blood-sucking wolves on wall street don't think twice about who they are or how they show up in the world, yet the healers and compassionate empathetic humans of our world are so paralyzed over doing the wrong thing or being the wrong person that they keep themselves from showing up and going big. 

Just like any other person on the face of the planet, I get caught up in who do I think I am? and I'm really exhausted from it. I keep talkin' about this deep seated relationship I have formed with myself and that bxtch is like, fucccck, this again? 

I'm beginning to laugh as I write this, realizing just how many goddamn times I've personally been caught in the comparison net and how freakin' sneaky it can be!  I want to share this with you, because people from my community write me every single day talking about how they are paralyzed from imposter syndrome in one way or another, whether it is directly named or not and I need you to know that this part of our human condition mixed with today's world and you are NOT the only one who experiences it. Not only do I as well, pretty much every other single human on the planet does as well. Sit with this, let it sink in until you believe it.

At the end of the day, we're all just trying our best.

​If you are willing (you don't even have to be able yet!) to have uncomfortable conversations about things you don't know a lot about just yet, then you are fit for the job of learning, growing and going big. You're not going to know everything, but you have to show up. You have to go out and try, you have to ask questions, you have to learn to laugh at yourself and stand-up for yourself.

You are so much greater than you realize and I just want to grab ya and shake it into you!!! 

BE YOU, BABY! ENJOY YOUR LIFE! LET YOURSELF BE.

You're here, you're showing up, you're trying your best and you're learning.
You're learning more about yourself every single day, you're being present with yourself and that is exciting! 

LET GO of the mental battles, the exhaustion, the confusion, the wits ends...

TRY THIS

Take a deep breath right now, a nice slow one, with a pause...

Ok, done?

Now tell yourself this:    I don't have to have it all figured out right now.

This is one from my back pocket. This phrase, for me at least, really recalibrate me. Helps me realize I don't have to go into fixing mode because I tend to go there automatically. Feel free to re-write or re-phrase this sentence to work for you!

You are figuring it all out. It's all coming together. The pieces are moving. You're in the midst of it and that's the hardest place to see change. Get grateful, ground down and your trust will grow. 

Track your intuition and how often you are being conscious with yourself and your life. Ditch the numbers, the scales, the measurements and all the physical body shit. Stop LOOKING at your body so much and start FEELING into your life. It will be uncomfortable at first, then you'll learn to love discomfort. It's weird and it's true. Growth itself is uncomfortable, but I do love growing + learning, I have a feeling you want to as well. 

How do you think that little acorn became a big tree, anyway? It wasn't overnight and it wasn't without growing pains (and it wasn't constantly, obsessively checking it's progress either...).

That's it for now. If you made it all the way through, I'd love for ya to hop over to my insta and share your thoughts!

​Wishing you well~

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