Personal Life Update + An Exercise in Radical Self-Acceptance (April 2020)

Well March 2020 was certainly one for the books, eh?

There's so much beauty in all the destruction. When I think about what has happened over the last month, I don't even know where to start. All of my 30th birthday plans traveling to New Mexico were canceled, but I ended up spending the day with my grandfather, father and grandmother. My 30th birthday. I will remember that for always.
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May I never forget when my grandfather asked me to scratch his back with the tiny bamboo scratcher from the drawer. It looked so fragile with sharp edges. I gently put the scratcher to his back. "What are you doing back there, painting a fence?!" My grandfather piped up. It was the funniest thing ever and a moment I will deeply cherish for the rest of my life.

On Thursday March 19th, I remember pulling the blanket up over my grandpa and placing a hand on his shoulder. I told him I would see him soon and he could tell me about his Dutch Harbor yacht club hat. I distinctly remember grandma saying, "It's so hard when you never know, it may be the last time." That was my last time.

My grandfather passed in the evening of March 21st, 2020. It was a Saturday. My grandmother said she had been sitting by him all evening, when she felt she had dozed off for just a few minutes. She opened her eyes and realized he had passed. I can't help but wonder if they happened to 'doze off' at the same time. I like to think that they did. A 66 year partnership that began in 1953. My grandmother is by far the strongest, most kind, generous and understanding woman I know. Deep in my heart, I am so incredibly grateful that the two of them were able to have it this way. In all the messed up stuff that made our situation more frustrating or stressful, in the end, he was at peace, he was happy, he was loved.

I happened to be at a small gathering that night. I saw I had a missed call from my aunt as I was leaving and I knew immediately what it was. I told my friend that I needed to make a phone call before I got in the car and they waited. Gratefully, it was a friend of almost 20 years. I sat down in the car and I said, "I just found out my grandpa died." He put his arm around me and I let out a big cry for a few moments, than I drove him home, called my grandma and cried with myself for a long while in my car.

It's the crying that I know is so important, it's so helpful. As I am becoming trauma-informed, one thing I've learned is that feeling our emotions allows us to actually heal from them, to move through them and not hold onto them; mentally, as with a grudge or physically through dis-ease. Grieving is especially interesting because it's not a linear path. You never know what's going to set off a little memory that brings the tears or the wails or just plain discomfort.

Since I've become comfortable with my emotions, I no longer go through life wondering, what's wrong with me? Instead, I've learned to trust my body, deeply. I wonder, what's my body doing for me? or, what's my body telling me? It's taken a long time to get here, but with the foundation I've built within myself, I know that I am always taken care of. My body will always take care of me (to the best of its ability, with tools I also provide) and the Universe will always have my back.

So, when these emotions arise seemingly out of nowhere, I know better. I know that the body, which includes the mind, is incredibly complex in the way that it processes all things, especially big life events. I know that emotion is a part of being human and it's unavoidable, if I also want to live a happy, fulfilling life.

It's been challenging grasping reality with everything going on. To have such a very deep and personal world-shattering thing happen, then realize that it's actually happening on a global scale and every single other person on the planet is going through something wildly similar?! No matter who you are, no doubt the blocks of stress and trying times are piling up. We are all grieving. It's mind-blowing, so mind-blowing, that I haven't been able to think about it much. I've given myself the space to not think about it for a while. That felt good and needed.

About a week after my birthday, after all plans had been canceled and my grandfather had passed, I took a trip to Target. I told myself, "Hey, I know you've had a lot going on and there's a lot of bummer things going on in your life and in the world right now. Why don't you just let yourself get what you want?" The child within me beamed. I got a couple of frozen gluten-free pizzas, root beer zevia sodas, honey nut Cheerios, coconut milk from the refrigerated half-gal (not the can), chocolate peanut butter ice cream, two cans of whipped cream, and probably more but that's all I'm currently remembering. I also got lipstick, a hair dryer and lights to put up in my room.

You know that feeling as a kid when you're at the grocery store, then your parents tell you that you can get a toy and you just cannot wait to get home and play with that new toy? I have vivid memories from childhood, pulling into the garage after a grocery trip and bee-lining it to my toys while my grandma brought in the groceries. I LOVE tapping into that same feeling as an adult. It's an interesting space to be in, but I will say that it is fun, to embody both the excited child and the responsible adult. So often in life we think we have to choose one or the other, right? Your life is what you make it. I'm personally not choosing one or the other. I'll have both.

The biggest lesson I've had during this time is in letting myself cut loose, as completely and wildly as I need to. I've developed this deep-seated trust for myself, I know I will recalibrate naturally back to work and daily routines in due time. I know know that it is my own coping mechanism to go "completely off the rails" at times and I also know that I will get sick of that space. I am responsible. I love myself and my life. I am loved and I am taken care of.

All of this awareness makes going "completely off the rails" a completely different experience than it has ever been before in my life. Dare I say, I am actually enjoying myself MORE? I feel more trust + satisfaction for my life and myself than any other time I can recall. It most certainly makes sense considering research shows that one can only experience as much joy as they are able to hold space for their sadness. Meaning, one is really only able to feel as happy as they are able to feel sad. If you can't hold space for your sadness, you're limiting the capacity of your happiness.

I'm finally coming back around. I've taken a couple solid weeks off of social media + work altogether and it's felt incredible. I am looking forward to getting back to work. This is such a potent time, both for healers and online business owners. I feel so incredibly grateful to be in this space, to be called to help during these times and to have crafted a lifestyle that fits so seamlessly into what our world needs at this moment. I'm working on what kind of offerings I can bring you at this time.

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Just the other night, I was hanging out with some people who were drinking and it doesn't usually come up, but I happened to say that I don't drink. A couple different people asked me that night how long I've been sober. I awoke the next day in my bed and found myself reminding myself, "you've been sober from alcohol for four and a half years."

In a split second it suddenly dawned on me just how responsible and on top of my shit I actually am. Flashback to the paralyzing mental battles with myself over addiction and being an addict and making "the right" changes. Constantly oscillating between failure and success in a matter of moments between thoughts. Aren't we our own worst enemies? Constantly on our own backs, giving ourselves shit about what we choose to do with our lives? It can be exhausting and if you're not careful you'll do it for the rest of your life.

I haven't drank alcohol in four and a half years and that was the same substance that ruined my family. I've been able to walk away from the one thing that destroyed my life. That one thing easily broke away from my being. That's how you know it's meant to be, ease.

I'm proud of myself for that, suddenly on this random April morning in the middle of a world -pandemic quarantine situation, I'm remembering just how much I have done in my life. All the things that I have overcome. What it's taken to become who I am today. I am proud of this person lying here. I've been chasing this word sobriety for years now. What is the definition, what does it mean, how it differs from person to person and finally, what does it mean to me?

I am sober; I'm present.

I'm a conscious woman living her best life.

That's what I want for you.

I invite you to take a moment to do a little check-in with yourself. 

Read each statement below and ask yourself, is this really true (yes or no question only) then explain. Get real with yourself, journal it out. GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND ONTO PAPER!! This is an exercise in radical self-acceptance.

I am a responsible adult
I am trying my best
I am caring and understanding

These three statements help to recalibrate me. I know that I am responsible, via my own definition and no one else's. I am trying my best in everything that I do with the circumstances given and I must remind myself that every one else is too. I am caring and understanding, for myself and for others - knowing this, I can give myself permission to take care of myself in whatever capacity needed. Which in turn allows me to continue holding space for others.

From my heart to yours, I hope this message nourishes you in all the ways you need in this moment. I place a hand over my own heart and take a breath, sending you love + well wishes ~

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